Psychological Evaluation of One Ananya

Filed by: Her Homeboy (self-appointed, unlicensed, deeply attached)

Patient Name: Ananya

Diagnosis: Chronic case of "about to be everyone's favourite psych major"

Referral: Middlesex University Dubai, B.Sc. Psychology

Status: Being released into the wild (well, into Dubai)

Presenting Symptoms

Patient exhibits an alarming pattern of actually listening when people talk about their problems, then following up on it three days later like she wrote it in a notebook. Suspicious behavior for someone who insists she's "not that deep."

Also observed: an unnatural ability to diagnose everyone in the friend group with something ("that's your inner child talking," "classic avoidant attachment," "bestie that's the effect of WEDNESDAY"). We are concerned she was doing this for free the whole time and Middlesex is about to get a bargain.

• • •

Clinical History

Onset of overthinking: unknown.
History of giving 2am life advice that somehow makes more sense than anything a therapist has ever charged for.
Repeated exposure to the patient's homeboy's terrible decisions, with no reported burnout, only mild sighing.
One (1) documented incident of correctly predicting a someone's breakup(ifykykyk).

• • •

Discharge Instructions (for Middlesex Dubai)

The patient is hereby cleared to leave home turf and be unleashed upon impressionable freshers, unsuspecting professors, and one entire nation's worth of shawarma. Please note the following precautions:

Do not let her analyze you within the first five minutes of meeting her. She will find your trauma. She will be right about it.
If she starts a sentence with "actually, from a psychological perspective..." — you brought this upon yourself.
She is legally required to text her homeboy at least once when something happens that is "so weird you won't believe it."
Do not, under any circumstances, let her forget the group she's leaving behind. We will find out. We always find out.

• • •

Prognosis

Excellent. Alarmingly excellent, actually. This patient is going to walk into Middlesex, casually become everyone's favourite person, ace everything, and still find time to talk to me from Dubai time not realizing it's a different timezone for the rest of us.

Recommended follow-up: indefinite. This case does not close. It just changes location.

The Real Part

Okay, jokes aside — I'm really, genuinely proud of you. You're about to go be a psychology student for real, in a whole new country, and honestly there's no one better suited for it. You've basically been doing therapy for me for free, so Middlesex is just making it official.

Dubai's lucky to have you. Go be brilliant, go make friends who don't already know all your bits, go eat something that isn't grass, and go build the life you've been talking about. You're far from the 9-5 and we see the better future we've been talking about already.

Just don't get too fancy on us. Your homeboy back home still expects the same unhinged texts, the same 2am overthinking sessions, and the same accurate read on our life choices.

Proud of you. Go be great. Miss you already, and you haven't even left yet.

I'm glad that we met at the right time and that we've become so close. You've helped me when i was low and vulnerable. Can't thank you enough for what you did cause it's not simple and it's something i'll never forget, you're an amazing person and you'll be an amazing MOM(jumpscare). PSYCHOLOGY OR NO PSYCHOLOGY U DA BEST, GO ACE IT TWIN LESSSSS GOOOOOO DUBAI GIRLLYYYY!!!!! WOWOOWOWOWOWOWOOWO

Also, you can always talk to me about your problems, happiness and everything just like you always do. No hiding and no more doing it alone, we got you or atleast i do ❤️🫶🏻.

— Your bizz partner, ceo2